Badass Snow White

by Badass Snow White

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credits

released October 28, 2016

all songs written and performed by Laura Theis

with guest performances by James Bell,
the Embellishments aka Rosie Caldecott and Ditte Elly,
and the Sunshine Werewolf Choir
aka Phoebe, Matt, Chris, Ed, Nick, Patti, Sian, Sam, Hannah & Steve

recording, production & mastering by genius James Bell
c 2016

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all rights reserved

about

Badass Snow White Oxford, UK

Badass Snow White is Laura's first solo album in the UK.

She's been praised for her “brilliant lyrics” and “crazy talent” by BBC Oxford Introducing's Dave Gilyeat
&
Matt Sage summed up her music in Nightshift Magazine as “totally unique and really quite wonderful, conjuring up a spookily quaint world of monsters,
mermaids, spiders and murdered ex-lovers. And it’s impossible not to sing along.”
... more

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Track Name: How To Spot A Traitor By His Careless Behaviour Towards Beans
Never again you’ll hear the truth from me
You always sell my words to my enemies
You’ll run and spill the beans to my enemies

We can’t be friends if I can’t speak
You sold your soul to my enemies
You’ll run and spill the beans to my enemies

I gave you my love
Now please return it
And as for the money
Why don't you burn it?

I was a race car driver
Now I’m a cocktail waitress
who thinks she’s an heiress
an ageing actress in bad shape

No longer living in the woods
No longer kissing Robin Hood
Getting pissed with Captain Hook
In a seafood discothèque
Mistook for a mistake

I could have been your messiah
Now I’m a barefaced liar
a mishap that has us both crying
I’m secretly dying

Never again a word of truth from me
Always sell my words to my enemies
Go, run and spill the beans to my enemies
Go, run and spill the beans to my enemies


And as for the money: burn it please
Track Name: Badass Snow White
Mirror Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Who is the Biggest Badass of them all?

Fed up with lying here in this glass coffin
and hoping that some prince is gonna come,
cause when he does I doubt that he’ll be charming
kissing dead girls is a hobby I find alarming
so when he comes I’ll jump out and disarm him
and ride away into the night alone

And I ain’t afraid of no apple pie
Yeah it might kill me but I’ll eat it all the same
And if you want to defeat me you’re welcome to try
Just remember all the mirrors know my name
Yeah in this land all the mirrors say my name
They say my name
What makes you think
that you could beat me at my own game?

I could slay my own dragons if I chose to
But dragons are to good not to be used
And the last one I met I fed her fire
And she took me on her back for the ride of my life

And I ain’t afraid of no apple pie
Yeah it might kill me but I’ll eat it all the same
And if you wan to defeat me you’re welcome to try
Just remember all the mirrors know my name
Yeah in this land all the mirrors say my name
They say my name, they say my name
What makes you think
that you could beat me at my own game?

Once I fought 7 little men
And beat their 7 little asses
Now they let me live inside their house for free
Take care of my nosebleeds and cook for me

No and I ain’t afraid of no apple pie
it might kill me but I’ll eat it all the same
And if you wan to defeat me you’re welcome to try
Just remember all the mirrors know my name
Yeah in this land all the mirrors say my name
They say my name
What made you think
that you could beat me at my own game?
Track Name: Sunshine Werewolf
My brothers and my sisters
They come out in the moonlight
Give the people of the village
An awful fright

My brothers and my sisters
They come out in the moonlight
They show off their fangs
And sometimes they even bite

My brothers and my sisters
They come out in the moonlight
But alas not I

Cause I’m a Sunshine Werewolf
Haooo haoooo

Most of the time I’m normal
Just a bit cranky and depressed
Most of the time I’m normal
And at night I’m at my best

Most of the time I’m normal
Just a bit cranky and depressed
But the sunshine really puts me to the test

Cause I’m a Sunshine Werewolf
Haooo haoooo

In the winter the weather keeps me sane
When it’s cloudy nobody can complain
But when the sun defeats the rain
I’m my most dangerous

Cause I’m a Sunshine Werewolf
Haooo haoooo
Track Name: Unserenaded
So he writes all these beautiful love songs
With nobody in mind
maybe one day he is gonna meet her
Say it was you all the time

And I’ll be standing by the wayside
Keeping my thoughts to myself
Telling my silly heart that there is
No reason to break

It’s just that I’ll remain unwritten, unsung and unserenaded
Because I am not the one for whom anyone has waited
I am not the one, Iam not the one, I am not the one for anyone

What if all the girls immortalised
In poetry and song
Have somehow all gotten it right
And I’ve gotten it all wrong

Well there just never seems to be
Anybody else
And that is why I keep writing
All these songs about myself

Because I’ll remain unwritten, unsung and unserenaded
Because I am not the one for whom anyone has waited
I am not the one, Iam not the one, I am not the one for anyone

Never seemed to be much use
at being anybody’s Muse

I’ll remain unwritten, unsung and unserenaded
Because I am not the one for whom anyone has waited
I am not the one, Iam not the one, I am not the one for anyone
Anyone but you
Track Name: Angel vs Predator
if you ever change your mind
you know where to find me
if you ever change your mind
you know where I am hiding

let your guard down baby let your guard down
put your arms around me baby
let your guard down

but you are right not trust me my intentions aren't pure
you are right not to trust me my best interest ain't yours

cause when it seemed to you like I was talking sense
I was only trying to get into your pants
and what seemed to you like a budding romance
was me trying to get into your pants

so send your guard after me baby
send your guard down
send your army for me baby
bring your guard down

coz you are right not to trust me my intentions aren’t pure
you are right not to trust me my best interest ain’t yours

cause what seemed to you like a budding romance
was me trying to get into your pants
and when it seemed to you like I was talking sense
I was only trying to get into your pants

But if you ever change your mind
you know where to find me
if you ever change your mind
you know where I am hiding
Track Name: To Live By a River
To live by a river or a lake of silver
To own a boat and to float
Through pearlstrings of afternoons

With a lover or a friend
Anyone who’d lend a hand
Anyone who’d hold your hand
and chose to spend time with you
out of the infinity of things that they could do

imagine loving someone
through any weather for worse of for better
imagine forgetting the fact
that there was once a thing called internet

imagine living surrounded by beauty
how it would elevate you
slowly intoxicate you
turn you into an addict
unfit for any city
any other kind of living

To live by a river or a lake of silver
To own a boat and to float
Through pearlstrings of afternoons
Track Name: Spider In The Music Room
There’s a spider in the music room
A big-ass spider in the music room
Twice the size of this piano

But I don’t scream an I don’t yell
And I don’t try to run away
I’ll gather up my courage and I stay

Because beggars can’t be choosers
And she listens to my music
And she may just be the only fan I have
And I think she really likes it
Cause she listens quite politely
And she isn’t even crawling to the door –
what more can you hope for?

There’s a spider in the living room
A bis-ass spider in the living room
Hanging from the ceiling like a chandelier
And I’m not trying to remove her
Even though she’s an intruder
Because she may just be the only fan I have
There are nicer things than spiders
But I have finally decided
That I am better off with taking what I get

Because beggars can’t be choosers
Spiders listen to my music
And they may just be the only fans I have
And I think they really like it
Cause they listen quite politely
And they even hum along inside their webs
And I am better off with taking
I am better off with taking
Better off with taking what I get
Track Name: The Ocean Is Nobody's Bitch
never so far from the sea
never before in my short life have I been so far from the sea

My lover he's a mountain man
he took a mermaid for his bride
and even though I love this man
I am still afraid of heights
I pass the days as best I can
sleep in the shower every night

never so far from the sea
never before in my short life have I been so far from the sea

See my lover he's a mountain man
water never was his home
so I chose staying high and dry with him
over swimming on alone
and this is why I'm trapped here
in this land of wood and stone

never so far from the sea
never before in my short life have I been so far from the sea

i hurl myself into the bathtub
and sprinke salt onto my skin
and I put up with endless walking
when all I want to do is swim
and noone seems to understand
the predicament I'm in

never so far from the sea
never before in my short life have I been so far from the sea

my grandmother was a siren
she taught me how to misbehave
my grandfather was a sailor
if he could see me in this place
he would roll his eyes at me
from beyond his watery grave

and the ocean's my mother
I left her for my lover
like mother like daughter they say
but she was never love's prey

'cause the ocean is noboby's wife
she may spit you out or eat you alive
the ocean is noboby's bitch
she may embrace you or drown you
and you'll never know which

never so far from the sea
never before in my short life have I been so far from the sea
Track Name: When Wendy Grew Up
When Wendy grew up Peter said
I feel betrayed you’ve made me sad
When Wendy grew up Peter said
I feel betrayed you’ve made me sad

Look we were never supposed for each other
We were never supposed to be lovers
Oh but the friends we could have been
I’m always the one who gets left behind

And Wendy said Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter
Why don’t you just follow?
Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter
Why don’t you just grow up cause we all must
And Peter said coz I can’t stand for what I don’t believe in
I think you’ve been deceiving me and now you’re leaving me

Look we were never supposed for each other
We were never supposed to be lovers
Oh but the friends we could have been
I’m always the one who gets left behind

And Wendy said Peter Peter Peter Peter Peter it was hardly my choice
But Peter choses to ignore the pleading in her voice
He won’t stand for what he does not believe in
And not growing up has been his biggest achievement!

So when Wendy grew up Peter cried
As cry you must when you’re a child
Track Name: A Practical Guide to Alien Abduction
I’ve abducted an alien
Yeah
It wasn’t easy I’ll tell you that much
Invisible ones are so hard to catch
They are so hard to catch
Dum dum dum
Track Name: Defy Cupid
The day I stop writing heartbroken love songs for you
will be the day that I die
I’ll never get over you
Always thought you could never be mine
But now we are drunk and alone in your room
You wanna say something
But I’m faster than you
Look I know what you’re saying
And it’s probably true
But please don’t say it I’m begging you

It’s not my fault if I love you
It’s not my fault if I want you
It’s not my fault if I kiss you
Wanna hook up with you
It’s not my fault if you leave her for me
Don’t be stupid
Cause who are we to try to
defy Cupid

Then we drink even more
I move in closer to you
I close my eyes
And that’s my dream coming true

I know the hearts that I’m breaking (know the hearts that I’m breaking)
I know I’m gonna pay (I know I’m gonna pay)
Know the demons I’m waking (demons I’m waking)
But what can I say

It’s not my fault if I love you
It’s not my fault if I want you
It’s not my fault if I kiss you
Wanna hook up with you
It’s not my fault if you dump her ass for me
Don’t be stupid
Cause who are we to try to
defy Cupid

Look we all want someone
Whether boy or girl
It’s probably someone we shouldn’t
Probably someone will get hurt

It’s not our fault if we love them
It’s not our fault if we want them
It’s not our fault if we kiss them
Wanna hook up with them
It’s not our fault if they judge us for it
Don’t be stupid
Cause who are we to try to
defy Cupid
who are we to try to defy Cupid
Track Name: Asenweg 16
The house that I was raised in
Was the first love of my life
I loved its white-washed walls
And the way it smelled inside
I loved its smoking chimney
And its roof, windows and doors
But no one I know lives there anymore

We don't live there
We don't live there anymore.
And I won't die there
I will die at sea
Not in this house that once
has been a home to me

We don't live there
We don't live there anymore.
And I won't die there
I will die at sea
Not in these four walls
that once meant the world to me

The bedroom of my childhood
Had white and yellow stripes
There were bunnies in the garden
and twelve towering pines
I cried about the daisies when my father
mowed the lawn
But the bunnies and the pine trees and the stripes
are now long gone

REPEAT CHORUS
We don't live there...

When I go to see my sister
I pass the place I lived a while
What once was green and orange
Has now turned a sterile white
And I still have a copy
of my house-keys
but I never go inside

I don't live there

I don't live there anymore.
And I won't die there
I will die at sea
under the night-sky
which is now the roof to me

I don't live there
I don't live there anymore.
And I won't die there
I will die at sea
between the waves that have
replaced those walls for me
Track Name: Edinburrah
I was offered a part playing Guinevere
In a play in a place called Edin-burrah
But I had to decline, couldn’t take the part
And said: This fills me with sorr-a but tomorr-a
I’m already leaving Edin-burrah

Burra Burra Edin-burrah

And when I didn’t take the part playing Guinevere
The man looked at me and said
Well that’s a shame you could have been grrrreat
Could have been the star of tomorr-a
Here in Edin-burrah

Bura Burra Edin-burrah